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Mystic Mug July 28, 2010

Posted by normanmonkey in Single London, This week I have learned.
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Yesterday was supposed to be the big day. A day when something life changing was going to happen bearing boundless happiness and great prosperity. At least that was according to the Sikh mystic on Surin beach in Phuket who predicted great things and prayed for me whilst rinsing me of 2,000 baht to do so.

He even went to the trouble of writing the date down and putting it in my wallet (a kind gesture, I suppose, given he’d just emptied it of notes). I’d still have the lucky piece of paper with the date of my good fortune on it had I not lost the wallet in some Shoreditch basement club on a misspent night out with Dan Turner the other week.

Call me a psychic, a visionary, Mystic Mug, call me what you like, but for a lot less and for even fewer prayers I could’ve made a far more accurate prediction for July 27, 2010. I’d still feel partially paralysed and in need of another chiropractor appointment? Check. I wouldn’t be in a position to retire to Necker island? (Knacker Island would be more like it). Check. Cameron Diaz still hasn’t replied to my begging letters? Check. And the client meeting would be about as pleasant as swimming in a pool of shit without a snorkel? Check.

The only relief of the day was thinking I was about to get done for speeding 11pm on the Old Woking Road only for an ambulance to emerge from the darkness beneath the sirens I’d seen accelerating toward me. In the circumstances that alone felt like a minor triumph.

So onward we soldier. Having been in a wonderful mood for almost all of the day, when confronted with a personal training appointment at 9pm, something snapped. Fifteen minutes in and my trainer was told ‘You carry on if you want to, I’m off home for a glass of red’ and bade him farewell. I don’t think even a Sikh on Surin beach would’ve seen that one coming. Poor form, but there’s a time and a place for personal training and evidently it wasn’t there and it wasn’t then.


This week I have learned (2) November 15, 2009

Posted by normanmonkey in Friends, This week I have learned.

1) I adore the company of others at home. Having had only four visitors in two and half months, to more than double that in one evening was a joy to behold. My door shall always be open to waifs, strays, misfits, the beautiful and the damned. I definitely have not laughed so much in ages. See 3)

2) Maybe people don’t adore my company as much. The Fleet Youth*, all a decade at least younger than myself, left the soiree the next afternoon looking like extras from Schindler’s List. To one the only piece of advice I could give was ‘Live!’. Killing colleagues is not a good career move.

3) The alternative definition of ‘docking’. It was a bit too much to hear in a fragile state. Sounds like the sort of thing the Japanese go in for. Don’t try it kids! (especially you Japanese kids).

4) Not to be caught dining alone next to a table of four drunken women of divorcee appearance (loud, drunk, forward, crude – though, in their favour, at least they didn’t mention docking)

5) Sometimes one can regret saying on a Friday afternoon, before the weekend has kicked one in the head like a wild horse, ‘I’m supposed to have my day off Monday, but it’s no problem for me to come in’

*Although it has been declared to me the next day I am ‘a legend’ which is very nice. Flattery, in my book, gets people everywhere.

This week I have learned: November 9, 2009

Posted by normanmonkey in This week I have learned.
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i) The meaning of the word ‘clunge’, courtesy of Dan Turner (as in ‘Who was that clunge speaking to you?’ or ‘I hope that bar is going to be full of clunge’). Wiggy used to refer to the female of the species as ‘smoot’. I think I prefer that to clunge which sounds rather coarse.

ii) To work for certain large family brands you not only have to be brainwashed and wiped of all human impulses, but born an idiot

iii) Hummus added to chips in pitta is gastronomic alchemy (note: recheck when sober)

iv) I am a walking health risk if an article in one of today’s Sunday broadsheets is anything to go by (see above)

v) East Germany in the late 1980’s prior to the Wall coming down is eerily reminiscent of present day Wolverhampton