About
This is now a blog in mothballs, preserved for posterity and austerity. Times and circumstances change. I’m now married, have acquired a cat, a dog, suffer far fewer hangovers and am an ECD at a well-known PR agency. I still have a QPR season ticket. This is my past:
‘I’ve got friends all over the world…none here, but all over the world’ – Tony Hancock in The Radio Ham.
As a bored cub scout at the age of eight, I managed to ruin a Mothering Sunday church service by declaring out loud, in response to a request from the Methodist Minister asking ‘What does your mother do for you?’, that my mother ‘throttled me’.
The only thing that prevented her from giving me a damn good thrashing outside the church for humiliating her in front of the Godly portion of New Malden was the entire congregation was waiting to see what her next move was going to be. This sort of behaviour is not untypical of an only child. Despite these beginnings, or maybe because of it, I find myself Director and Head of News at Cow, a leading London PR agency you wouldn’t want to take home to meet your mother.
I grew up in New Malden, went to school in Kingston, and University in Reading and Texas. It’s remarkable how one’s formative years can seem so angst-ridden, full of promise and ideals and seem infinite in starry-eyed possibility, but I’ve managed to quash my first 22 years of experience into a single-sentence. Work in PR has been stimulating and got me invited to a handful of good parties. Beyond that I’ve traveled extensively, been two cans of Red Stripe from being married off in Jamaica, knocked a girl off the port wall into the sea in Puerto Banus during an all-too overpowering embrace, listened to a lot of music, read many books, imbibed wine, absorbed London, aborted an attempt at a novel after accidentally spilling claret into the hard drive in which it was saved, and been mistaken for Jenson Button on more than several occasions – though mostly by cabbies or drunks and never by Formula 1 groupies.
I recently moved to a newly built Consero home (‘Perfect homes, for perfect people’ says the blurb) in West Byfleet. I know absolutely no one here and live a state of the art house with four ovens and a cluster of gadgets that I’m unable to operate. My retinue includes a cleaner who is allergic to dust and a personal trainer who can see through my attempts to feign injury to avoid ‘moving up to the next level’. Most of my widely dispersed friends have got married and had kids. I have not. This lack of offspring is a constant source of frustration to my parents.
Meanwhile, I have been through the Sisyphean task of trying to maintain relationships with endearing yet unsustainable women who, to the outside world, are quite clearly mad, but to me initially appeared ‘colourful’. I have a taste for the finer things in life and a QPR season ticket. The two are never to be confused. I blog to prevent me from talking to myself or take up jogging.
The blog is about where I am today, how I came to be here and what the future may hold. It’s littered with dubious characters, dashed hopes, minor triumphs and good intentions. I’d like to prove that’s it’s possible to be a romantic, a free spirit, blow up the candle at both ends and still manage to get the 7.37 a.m West Byfleet to Waterloo service without anyone seeing the cracks. And for those who’ve mentioned it, sometimes do a bit of PR as well. Disclaimer: The similarity of characters living or otherwise as portrayed in this blog is entirely intentional.
West Byfleet Pauper Lunatic Asylum 
Didn’t realise you were doing this. Loving it, Mr P. See you soon? xxxx
I just came across your site whilst looking for a new hotel in Byfleet. What a great mistake – you are indeed a raconteur and when I return from St Peter’s hospital this afternoon, where I am going to greet a new baby, born this morning, I look forward to some interesting and entertaing reading!
One of the most entertaining bio’s I’ve ever read. You should write that novel!
Your a funny guy! Not sure how i came across but i have enjoyed.
We definitely need to do tea (see tweet!)
The lovely R Kanareck directed me to this blog yesterday and I must say you’re extremely witty M Perkins! Has been a while since I’ve had a taste of your dry wit – now I have it on tap – what could be better.
Like others have already suggested, that Novel should be re-written, you’re good.
Whilst you’ve hooked me into following your blog with your excellent bio, I also find myself insanely jealous of the home with four ovens, a cleaner and a personal trainer, plus the QPR season ticket. Compared to my council bedsit, leaking washing machine, broken hoover and various Mice that treat this stately home like it’s their version of Westfields.
Despite this, I also sense a state of unhappiness or discontent from you, the unsuccessful love life for one. That’s an area where I am successful, perhaps it is just one or the other (love or work).
Nevertheless I’ll try and keep an eye on this blog, especially as you are a fellow Ranger. COYRs!